“Wait, you said no? Why? Haven't you been together for, like, eight years?”
“A few more than that.”
“Ten?”
“Add a few more.”
“You’ve been together for more than ten years and you said no.”
“It didn’t feel right.”
“What do you mean? It sounds like he put a lot of effort into it. If anyone did that for me, I would have said yes. You’ve been a package deal for as long as I’ve known you. What’s that about? Do you just not even like him? Why?”
The conversation continued for about half an hour before I could convince her to drop it. She had always looked up to my relationship with Lucas and she would have given anything to have something even reminiscent of our relationship. She grew up yearning for her dream guy and to be happily wed after a two-year relationship. Marriage has never been one of my goals. It doesn’t appeal to me and I don’t see a reason for it. Sure, there are some great financial benefits and all the free toasters and towels might have been nice, but we didn’t need any of those things. We’re well-off on our own. I’m happy with my insurance plan and he’s happy with his, so we don’t need that. We make enough money to live comfortably and we can easily afford the occasional luxe pampering. We don’t need more toasters; I like the one we have. We don’t need any more towels; only I know what I like in a towel. For us, getting married wouldn’t have meant much. I already know how much he loves me and (I hope) he already knows how much I love him. Though, honestly, I hadn’t put a lot of thought into why I’m so strongly opposed to getting married, until I had that conversation. The fact that it changes nothing is an argument that can be used pro-marriage just as well as it can be used for anti-marriage. It’s not like we would have to switch over to one insurance plan. It’s not like we would have to receive useless wedding gifts or even have a wedding. I thought about it for awhile and after hours spent pondering, I could only come up with a few reasons; they might not be the best reasons, but here they are:
Marriage is a social construct and not giving into society’s expectations for a young woman makes me feel powerful. From such a young age, women are force-fed the idea that the absolute pinnacle of their life will be their wedding day. For some of them, it might be, but it’s not even close to being that way for most people. I want young unmarried women to be just as accepted as young unmarried men are. In fact, I want people to stop differentiating between men and women completely. I don’t even want gender to be a concept because that’s a social construct too and we don’t need that shit. I want us all to just be people with different parts that do different things. If at all, it’s going to take centuries to eliminate unnecessary social constructs, so I’m not going to hold my breath for it, but I hope it does happen eventually. Anyway, yes, the first reason for me not wanting to get married is that breaking free from societal boundaries is highly empowering and I hate that people are branded by their genitals.
My second reason is that it would be much easier to just break up rather than have to get a full-out officializing divorce, if we ever do decide to part ways. That’s not something I’ll be telling him, of course. Saying that to him might be a little concerning, as if saying directly to his face, “I have no faith in our relationship and I would rather it be as easy as possible to abandon ship when things go awry.” I have a lot of faith in my relationship with Lucas. I feel safe around him, I feel like he loves me, and I feel the same love for him, so I’m not worried that the ship will sink anytime soon or ever. However, if things do start going downhill, I want to get out as quickly and effortlessly as possible. I firmly believe that a relationship going sour should just be abandoned. Rough spots are totally fine - those happen with every couple - but a consistently unhappy relationship is unsalvageable and abandoning it would be the better option for everyone involved.
My third, final reason, is that I’m just afraid. I’m afraid of what it might do to my social life and of what might change in my relationship with him. I don’t think I’m ready for it. Even though I consider marriage a waste of time that means absolutely nothing, I feel like it will change everything. I feel like I’m not good enough for him to marry and I’m afraid that he might realize that, if we go through with it. I can’t accept that he would love me enough to legally declare himself eternally dedicated to me. I don’t know if I could handle being the one wife he gets to have. I can’t wrap my head around how much he must love me to say to me, “there is nobody else I would rather have as my wife and, if you choose to be, I will forever onward be as glad that you said yes as I am today.” I’ve never felt so loved before and part of me is trying as hard as it can to deny that it’s true. I don’t know what it would take to convince me, but I want to be, and I hope that I will be. I want to feel the love he tries to give me and I want to be as happy as I know it should make me.
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