Wilfred

By Jem Morgenstern

Janette

Wilfred is the one good thing that’s come from me. I haven’t given charitably, I haven’t helped one person selflessly, and I have never swerved or hit the brakes for a dog in the road. No, sir, I just keep driving; if they don’t get out of my way, they are going under my tires. I’ve hit too many dogs for me to count, just with the car I have now and it’s brand new. Wilfred is the one good thing that’s come from me and all I did was give birth to him. I didn’t treat him nicely, I didn’t teach him good manners, I didn’t make him a good kid; all I did was give birth to him and I hardly struggled with that one bit. The nurses there said it was the easiest birth they had ever assisted. I was only in labor for one hour: took half an hour to get to the hospital, took ten minutes to find parking, took ten more minutes to get into the room, took five minutes to get me all adjusted, then it just took him five minutes to pop out of me like a cannonball. I didn’t feel one thing when he flopped out of me; I just sat there heaving and pushing for five more minutes, until I finally caught  one of the nurses was saying, ‘Stop! You’re done! You’re done! The baby’s out! If you don’t stop pushing, you could shit all over the place’ and what happened? I shit all over the place. I looked over to the nurse and she had this face on with a frown and a sigh. That nurse had been through this too many times and she was sick of it. After it was all done, my first instinct was to just get out of the bed and walk out of the hospital. I didn’t even think about the baby. I sat up and started scooting myself off the bed and the nurses weren’t paying much attention to me, so I could have gotten myself out of there with no problem, but I started feeling all woozy and I decided it would be best to lie down for a bit. I fell asleep. Next thing I remember is the nurses waking me up to show me my baby. I kept saying, ‘No, I want to sleep’ and I slapped their hands away, but they kept insisting that I needed to wake up and hold my damn baby. I sat up, took a glance at my baby and said to them, ‘yeah, that’s great. That’s my baby, thanks.’ The nurses all rolled their eyes at me and told me to hold my damn baby. I took him in my arms and the nurse - the one who told me not to shit all over - asked me what I wanted to name it. Her voice was all monotonous and you could tell she had a long day.

Dr. Eve

Continue, what did you choose to name your baby?

Janette

You know very well what I chose to name my baby, I’ve told this story a thousand times. The only name I could think of was Wilfred because that’s the name of the dog I had when I was little and I don’t know why I was thinking of him, but I was, so I said ‘Wilfred’. The nurse asked me, ‘is that spelled with an i or an e?’ At that moment, I couldn’t believe her. Who would ever spell Wilfred with an i? I thought about that for years after that, but then I met another kid named Wilfred and he did spell it with an i. Anyway, then, after all those boring hospital procedures and formalities, I took my baby home.

Dr. Eve

Tell me about Wilfred. Why did he leave?

Janette

His father wasn’t going to be raising a fag in his house, so he kicked him out.

Dr. Eve

Have you been able to contact him since he left? When did he leave?

Janette

No, I haven’t heard from him since. He was only about thirteen, so a little more than ten years ago, I think. You know, from a very young age I should’ve known he was gay. On special occasions, we would go with his grandma to this jungle themed restaurant that had all these fancy decorations, people dressed up as jungle animals, and some chiseled high-divers in speedos. Wilfred would always want to go watch the divers. I’d always be talking about crushes I had on celebrities like Keith Urban and Toby Keith and Wilfred would say to me ‘those boys are ugly. Why don’t you like cute boys like Duncan Sheik or Gavin Rossdale?’ That kid knew what he was talking about. He always did. I should have known that it was coming. When he told me and his father that he was gay, I didn’t really care. I was fine with it. I didn’t care what he did, as long as it didn’t cause any trouble for me. His dad, on the other hand, did care. His dad was furious. He told Wilfred to leave the house. I didn’t do anything about it. Wilfred left and I didn’t say anything to him. I watched him pause at the door and stare at the knob for a good while. He was thinking. He knew that he would never be coming back, if he left. He knew that he could be hurt bad, if he stayed. He left. He didn’t have anything to stay for. I didn’t give him anything to stay for.

Dr. Eve

Would you like to see him again?

Janette

More than anything.