fall disillusion

fall disillusion

by lei

dethroned of all naiveté

stripped of warm preconceptions:

a premonition of harsh winter winds

winding their way,

weaving into me

—soft whispers of tomorrow’s gusts.

i hear their stories

watch their lives unfold

try to convince myself i’ll get there one day

but tonight,

in cold autumn waves

i realize i will wear the title of youngest

til the holes in the soles of my shoes

are no longer the negative spaces

but the overall -ness.

Renovated Shack

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To the Fishbowl, Again

By Leiani Brown

yeah

i told you i'd try

not because i will

but because i have learned how to please

how to shut people up, out

i live in a replica fish bowl

where i am surrounded by alien clone fish

i've met their doppelgängers

and learned to hate them each

one by one

then left my fish bowl home

to meet their doubles

and learn hate

all over again

and it's funny when you think if you think if you dare if thinking is your thing if you don't fear

pain

it's funny,

i succumbed to this naive belief--

its clutches so cowardly beautiful

--that running by flying

away meant newness

newness in the smell of wind

newness in the shape of trees

newness in the people that people my dreams and people my inside and people i wish

i was

but even paradise has its parasites

complete with plastered smiles  

pity--shot out from every angle

side glances and ulterior messages,

dripping in its dense gooeyness that shouldn't but does make me feel like nothing

until all i am is a pile of the stuff--

and nothing i or you can do will make your kindness

not taste forced

"congratulations you changed the scenery

emptying pockets and filling expectations in the process

only to realize nowhere is new enough

to make people not people you know

to make hate not the spoiled result of you trying to love them

to make opening up not feel like a chasm awaiting daggers

to make you

not you"

i mumble this

in my skin every time i walk away

leaving you believing you've somehow helped

and you have

you've given me practice to learn how to please

how to shut people up

and out,

how to shut people out.

because i don't even like fish,

Victoria's Diary

By Late Night Writings

I’m a dramatic person and it does actually cause a lot of unnecessary problems, but I’m not going to change. Katy didn’t respond to my text yesterday. It was a question. Isn’t she terrible? I certainly think so. Darla didn’t like a tweet I posted last week. That’s the first time she hasn’t liked one of my tweets, since she started following me on Twitter five months ago. What kind of statement is she trying to make? I think she’s trying to say she’s better than me. Nobody is too good for my tweets, especially not Darla Peggy Pots. That’s right, her middle name is Peggy. Nobody can pull that one off. I know you might think these things sound stupid and I want you to know that I think they sound stupid, too. I used to get really hung up on how stupid this sort of stuff is. I’d get home from a date and immediately tell myself that “I made such a fucking mistake” because I didn’t get great vibes when he dropped me off. Vibes. Then I would get angry at myself for having that reaction. Then I would get upset with myself for getting angry at myself for having that reaction. It went in circles. Now, I just let myself feel my stupid feelings and I don’t get angry. I’m better for it. I throw a tantrum, cry, tell myself “I need to stop making these stupid fucking mistakes”, and then I get over it. Now that I don’t let myself get angry at myself for being irrational, I recover from irrationality a lot faster. I still know I’m an idiot, but I don’t get mad at myself for it. Being dramatic keeps me connected to my feelings. My many feelings. Well, I guess I don’t have a big variety of feelings. By “many feelings”, I mean I feel two or three things very often. Those would be disappointment, sadness, and frustration. That’s just me. I’ve accepted it. I still feel the other ones, for sure, but not as much. Just last week, I was real happy because I was getting the attention I needed. It sounds a bit pathetic, but people just need attention sometimes. That applies to everyone. The really pathetic part of it is that I felt like shit after because I felt bad for relying on other people to feel good about myself. Yeah, I think I need help. Anyway, I’m in-touch with my feelings. I get them. Obviously, I’m big on overthinking things and that helps me understand myself. I’ve tried a lot of things to get myself to be normal. Nothing sticks. Nothing ever sticks. Nobody ever sticks. Around. For long. Anyway, nothing sticks and I think I need to stop worrying about that. If I can’t change, I really need to stop trying to. What am I going to do to fix the problem? I’ll control it. I’m not going to get better. All I can do is keep myself in check. Know when I’m overreacting. Katy isn’t really terrible. She was busy and I knew she was busy. I also need to recognize when I’m one-hundred percent right. Darla is absolutely playing a game. If I didn’t believe that, I wouldn’t have told everyone about her fugly middle name. She’s not going to win this one. I know I’ll change in other ways. I might be more refined. I might be more confident. I might be more exciting. I won’t be changing in this way though. I will always be overly dramatic. I will always read too far into things and read too far into things that aren’t there. I’m never going to process my emotions in a normal way. This is me. I’m not perfect. I’m not amazing. I’m fine.